I’ve been contemplating doing exactly this (starting a blog) for I don’t even know how long. It always felt too “big” for me. I worried about how others would perceive me doing something like this. I still worry about that now. I’ve always been a super impulsive person, usually to my detriment. I learn more about myself every single day and I’ve always been obsessed with the idea of reinventing myself. That’s the most beautiful thing about life. The opportunity and ability we have to change, whenever we want. No matter our past, our current circumstances, or even our insecurities we can choose something new, at any time. So anyway, although I contemplated getting started with this SO many times over the past two years, I consistently put it off. It felt a lot easier to ignore this (kind of terrifying) idea so I kept pushing it out of my mind altogether. For some reason today my impulse was too strong to ignore and I quickly turned to my best friend, Google, typed in “How to start a blog”, went to the first site it listed and signed right up. I’ve always had a general idea of what I would like to focus on. My heart is beating out of my chest right now purely from the excitement I am feeling because I can barely believe I’ve finally made this leap into doing something I have a great passion for. Writing has always been a huge passion of mine, but because I didn’t see myself as the best, I let the writer part of me fall away. I still keep a personal journal and it’s full of my deepest and darkest moments, along with some of the biggest highlights and huge “aha” moments of my life. I have always felt there was this sense of flow or even some type of magic happening when I let my thoughts out onto a page. It ignites something really special inside of me. I’m excited that I am finally being vulnerable enough to share this with the world. I hope people will relate to my content and even more importantly, I pray I can ignite the change in those who truly long for it. No matter where we may be in our lives, I believe one thing we all truly want is to be able to reinvent ourselves as often as we can.
Sharing is so hard. Always has been for me. Like literally, I cannot tell anyone shit. Maybe that’s why I have a blog now? ha. I feel crazy more often than not lately. I’m unfocused. I’m jealous. I’m hurt. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I thought I was stronger. I’m scared of the things I’ve done, and who I’m becoming. And to just type that out to myself just as simply as I just did felt almost excruciating. But it’s crazy because all I really want is to have someone (just one single solitary human) who I know I could tell that to, without feeling like I had just given them a limb. I don’t know how to do this. I know it’s hard for so many people to be vulnerable. I know that’s a fact and sometimes I just need to know other people feel the same way, and I don’t know that right now. I don’t feel that right now. There is no coherence in barely any of my thoughts the past week or so. Lately, I am sporadic and more unpredictable than ever. I know it’s because I’m hurting. But because I can’t “share”, I’m drowning. I’ve felt way, way, way, way, way more down than this in my life so it’s not like I desperately need actual “help”. I am hurt, but I’m more so just venting because I am angry that I feel this way right now. That’s what is so discouraging about life. You can feel like for weeks or maybe even a month or so you were so on track and life was good and you were totally improving in the areas you desired to, and then all of a sudden you begin to feel the exact opposite. In just the matter of a few days or sometimes even in a single instant, you lose all that momentum. The thing is, I believe I’ve realized why this happens. It’s simply because it’s so easy to lose sight of our “why”, our deeper meaning for why do we all that we do. Even if you have never actually identified your “why”, and I’m sure many people have not, you have some unconscious belief about what it may be. It could be out of hate or spite or jealousy. It could be something so basic like you need to work extra hard to make your car payment this month or something detrimental like wanting revenge on an ex. But a why is always there. Maybe you just flat out need to feel better. But either way, when we lose sight of our reason, our purpose, our main true goal, we falter. We start spinning out of control. Or at least I do. You start focusing on being everything, instead of just doing what is necessary for that next step towards that very specific goal. That specific “why”. I learned about my “why” from Dean Graziozi. Through a book he wrote called “Millionare Success Habits”, and oddly enough I still have not even finished this book. Because I kept telling myself this book was out of my league. It’s amazing how our self-doubt will always win if we allow it to. It’s so easy to forget our why, because when we stop reminding ourselves daily that we are unstoppable and that we ARE worth every bit of work that it takes to get to where we want to be, we fall back into all our fear based thoughts. I’m sorry that most of this blog post was me rambling, but I needed to get these thoughts out the best way I could. I’m just being transparent about who I really am and what I really go through. I want you to try and identify your “why” and see what comes to mind. Even if you may identity 10 why’s, chose 1 or 2 to focus intently on. I swear this simple task can change the direction of your life.
One of the easiest ways for me to express myself has always been through writing. It used to be more poetry based, but as I left my super teen angsty phase around 16-17, I let the poet in me die off. I’m 26 now and like many other 26 year olds, life hasn’t been quite like I anticipated. As I go deeper into what I truly desire in my life and what actually matters to me, my desire to write keeps resurfacing. Writing down my thoughts makes me feel closer to myself, and that’s what matters to me the most. I also am beginning to realize how badly people need people, even when they think they don’t. How disconnected we are as human beings bothers me. My blog is an attempt to get people feeling a little less alone. Even if that’s just one single solitary person.
#newblog #personalgrowth #mentalhealth #newblogger