I’ve been contemplating doing exactly this (starting a blog) for I don’t even know how long. It always felt too “big” for me. I worried about how others would perceive me doing something like this. I still worry about that now. I’ve always been a super impulsive person, usually to my detriment. I learn more about myself every single day and I’ve always been obsessed with the idea of reinventing myself. That’s the most beautiful thing about life. The opportunity and ability we have to change, whenever we want. No matter our past, our current circumstances, or even our insecurities we can choose something new, at any time. So anyway, although I contemplated getting started with this SO many times over the past two years, I consistently put it off. It felt a lot easier to ignore this (kind of terrifying) idea so I kept pushing it out of my mind altogether. For some reason today my impulse was too strong to ignore and I quickly turned to my best friend, Google, typed in “How to start a blog”, went to the first site it listed and signed right up. I’ve always had a general idea of what I would like to focus on. My heart is beating out of my chest right now purely from the excitement I am feeling because I can barely believe I’ve finally made this leap into doing something I have a great passion for. Writing has always been a huge passion of mine, but because I didn’t see myself as the best, I let the writer part of me fall away. I still keep a personal journal and it’s full of my deepest and darkest moments, along with some of the biggest highlights and huge “aha” moments of my life. I have always felt there was this sense of flow or even some type of magic happening when I let my thoughts out onto a page. It ignites something really special inside of me. I’m excited that I am finally being vulnerable enough to share this with the world. I hope people will relate to my content and even more importantly, I pray I can ignite the change in those who truly long for it. No matter where we may be in our lives, I believe one thing we all truly want is to be able to reinvent ourselves as often as we can.
Idk why I started a blog about personal development when I’m not personally developing anything…
I have all the resources, I have more than enough to get started, and I don’t change. I just get stuck on what I lack. Knowing how damaging this is, I still do it. I am straight up bad at being consistent. As ironic as it sounds, consistency is the basis of all change. Consistency is what creates change and I hate it. Because I’ve always been obsessed with change. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
I get lonely and I give up. I constantly lose sight of why I want all of this. I forget and I feel I have no choice but to just give in to whatever will make me feel something, anything.
And that’s how I get re-stuck in my never ending cycles. I try to “do” something externally (a text, a drink, a whole pizza, a drug, a person) to attain a specific feeling inside of me, but I never receive the feeling I desire. Ever. Nothing can recreate this imaginary feeling or image I hold in my brain. Because you cannot feel true happiness from external sources. This is something I know to be true. It you do find happiness in material things, they will falter and so will you. But because I’m scared and because I do so often lose sight of my reason for all of this, I fail.
I don’t know how I will do this, after all.
I hate when this happens. I know setbacks are normal for all of us, but do you ever feel like you take two steps forward then 5 steps back?
Days or weeks go by and your in your flow and feeling great, and then suddenly your back at the bottom. But not the very bottom. You know you’ve still made progress, but you might just lose your mind and give all the way up.
It’s so frustrating when you work so hard to be better, every single day. Although it is humbling to fail, it’s hard to see the good when your in the midst of your failure.
So many days in my life I feel like I’m on trial. Like I’m constantly being tested. I work to be more patient. I work to be more kind, more understanding, and to not judge others. I’m a small part of a big picture and I just want to do my part in serving the world the best that I can. But that can feel so daunting when you stop believing in yourself. When you feel like you can’t do it. Even the simple stuff.
I know the optimistic part of me would say, “Liz, this is the only way you will grow.” It’s the Universe’s way of trying to show me what I’m really made of. It makes you ask yourself how bad do you want this? You start to wonder if this is all actually worth it.
And that’s where your determination and your ultimate vision should come into play. Your end goal. Your underlying reason for what keeps you going. I hate to say this but I often lose sight of mine, and even times I feel like I may not even have one at all. This is completely untrue and I know that, but I still have those thoughts.
It takes time to get back to the other side. The mind frame when you’re focused, when you’re driven, and when you can just get out of your own way. Not saying it becomes easy but it absolutely becomes easier. There’s less anxiety, less stress, and more time to focus on the good things in your future. Typically, I can eventually sort through most my doubt and trust that I will come out stronger on the other end.
Yet the place where I truly feel “stuck” is not because of my anxiety, my negative self-talk, or even from a specific failure. It’s really just the fact that I keep experiencing this same shitty feeling over and over and over again. Just when I think I pushed past, there it is again. It’s just taken a new form. That is discouraging for anybody. The ups and downs can sometimes be what damages our confidence, making it even more difficult to get back on track.
The key is to try our best not to dwell, because this just creates more of the same. Take the time to reset your brain and your body. Get away from that shitty feeling. For me, it can feel almost impossible to get out of my own head. But I’m always learning new ways to do so. Know that what works for some may not work for you. Also remember, for some fucked up reason our brains are so programmed to resist change and to seek immediate comfort. Especially when we feel vulnerable. This is what makes being human so difficult. We’re capable of so many incredible things, we just need to push past our pain period. If you keep meeting resistance in your life, and it keeps showing up the same way, just know that you have not yet learned the lesson you need to. And that is okay. We’re not supposed to know exactly the right thing to do in each and every situation. Life is all about learning, and even more importantly learning to let go.
As humans, we love our identities. We love feeling like we “are” somebody. We’ve been conditioned to throw labels around our behaviors to justify why we are the way we are and to describe who others seem to be.
“Are you a smoker a non-smoker?”
“Are you an introvert or an extrovert?”
“Are you single or in a relationship?”
There is no real harm in this at all, until a simple label turns into how somebody perceives themselves.
There are so many instances where we are put in these teeny tiny boxes with little to no wiggle room. You deem yourself depressed, co-dependent, incompetent, shy, the greatest chess player in the world, WHATEVER and that quickly becomes exactly what you are. That is what you will remain in your mind, as long as that label resides in your subconscious. It’s truly just how our brains work. Yet, the simple question “Who am I?” makes so many of us wanna jump out of our skin. It can feel literally impossible to answer. Am I my age? My ethnicity? The city I grew up in? The daughter of so and so or the kid who works at Walmart? Like really, who am I?
This question can be discouraging and I feel it can be very damaging to our self-esteem. Trying to put ourselves in these confining boxes can diminish our self-worth. Identifying with a certain lifestyle or personality trait can set the pace of our life. The identities we chose can also fuel our ego and give us a sense of belonging. I know entirely too many people who would not even recognize themselves in the mirror if you ripped their “party lifestyle” label away from them. I admit that I have also been this person.
Who am I if I don’t have a drink in my hand?
For the past 10+ years I’ve typically been the drunkest person at the majority of any social gathering. If I wasn’t my normal blacked out self it was a feat to be celebrated. “Oh my god, Liz is still up!” Hooray. My friends were always super hype if I lasted a little longer than usual. So happy I stopped passing out in public (as much). I was the problem drinker, the wild card that you needed to watch if you were the more responsible friend. As a teenager my only real identity was the super drunk girl. Mere acquaintances throughout the years have told me I’ve gotten so much better with my drinking. An actual quote, “I’m proud of you though. You used to be a sloppy mess and just pass out everywhere.” Sweet, thanks.
Imagine being known as that for a huge chunk of your life? In my defense, as much as I hate to admit this, simply going out drinking with my best friends was straight up not enough. Not enough to satisfy or thrill me. No shit, the goal for everyone is to get drunk. But I wanted to be in a new Universe. I used to look down at each drink as if it were a stepping stone that might lead me closer to where I longed to be. It would terrify me and I loved that. I knew within a few drinks, more than likely I’d be incoherent and in a much happier place. I dreaded basically all the conversations at the bar, I didn’t care about people’s drama I just wanted to drown them out-quickly. No wonder I’ve always been the blackout queen.
Of course, I moved through many different stages in my drinking and I could be okay. I wasn’t getting multiple DUIs or drinking myself to sleep every night. I didn’t spend time in bars alone. Our society makes drinking the most normal thing you can do. So I tried to be normal. I nearly stopped going out altogether, and that was mostly to avoid the toxic people and toxic situations that I knowingly attract when I’m out and blacked out. As any adult should, I desperately didn’t wanna be the asshole that I could be so often. When you have what feels like hundreds of drunk regrets weighing on your mind, you tend to become more aware of each situation where drinking may be involved.
For years, I’ve tried my absolute best to adopt a healthy mindset regarding drinking, if I could. I thought just having good intentions was enough. Everyone knew I didn’t mean to be a problem and they wanted me to have fun too. Yet this “healthy mindset” was very fleeting and extremely boring to me. And that’s the thing, my motivation to give a fuck or care about my well-being can only last so long when I have a drink in me. I have very few experiences where getting buzzed at happy hour was enough. I need more and I know that will never change. As you can imagine, I am really tired of playing this game. I’ve come to accept that I cannot be who I need to be if I keep drinking.
It is SO hard to shed this label and this part of myself; it’s a really confusing and painful process. Without a doubt, coming to terms with all of this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Being honest with yourself can suck. I get seriously intense impulses to black out because I feel like I still need that girl. I don’t get impulses to “have a few beers.” And that’s the difference.
The same exact people who have questioned my drinking, been personally affected by my drinking time and time again, and even have told me (on more than one occasion) that maybe I should STOP DRINKING, are the same people who still encourage me to drink.
“Oh, well it’s not like your an alcoholic.” Yeah? Honestly, who the fuck decides what an “alcoholic” is? Just because the social norm is to drink at every event known to mankind does not mean I am uncool or weird for simply not drinking. I do not need to box myself into a label of an addict or an alcoholic because I don’t trust myself with alcohol the way most people can. This means if I don’t identity as an “ALCOHOLIC” I can’t abstain from alcohol? Think about how fucking stupid that is! This is our obsession with labeling people and defining their behavior. If you can’t put them in a perfectly labeled box, than who are they?
I think that scares people.
Sharing is so hard. Always has been for me. Like literally, I cannot tell anyone shit. Maybe that’s why I have a blog now? ha. I feel crazy more often than not lately. I’m unfocused. I’m jealous. I’m hurt. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I thought I was stronger. I’m scared of the things I’ve done, and who I’m becoming. And to just type that out to myself just as simply as I just did felt almost excruciating. But it’s crazy because all I really want is to have someone (just one single solitary human) who I know I could tell that to, without feeling like I had just given them a limb. I don’t know how to do this. I know it’s hard for so many people to be vulnerable. I know that’s a fact and sometimes I just need to know other people feel the same way, and I don’t know that right now. I don’t feel that right now. There is no coherence in barely any of my thoughts the past week or so. Lately, I am sporadic and more unpredictable than ever. I know it’s because I’m hurting. But because I can’t “share”, I’m drowning. I’ve felt way, way, way, way, way more down than this in my life so it’s not like I desperately need actual “help”. I am hurt, but I’m more so just venting because I am angry that I feel this way right now. That’s what is so discouraging about life. You can feel like for weeks or maybe even a month or so you were so on track and life was good and you were totally improving in the areas you desired to, and then all of a sudden you begin to feel the exact opposite. In just the matter of a few days or sometimes even in a single instant, you lose all that momentum. The thing is, I believe I’ve realized why this happens. It’s simply because it’s so easy to lose sight of our “why”, our deeper meaning for why do we all that we do. Even if you have never actually identified your “why”, and I’m sure many people have not, you have some unconscious belief about what it may be. It could be out of hate or spite or jealousy. It could be something so basic like you need to work extra hard to make your car payment this month or something detrimental like wanting revenge on an ex. But a why is always there. Maybe you just flat out need to feel better. But either way, when we lose sight of our reason, our purpose, our main true goal, we falter. We start spinning out of control. Or at least I do. You start focusing on being everything, instead of just doing what is necessary for that next step towards that very specific goal. That specific “why”. I learned about my “why” from Dean Graziozi. Through a book he wrote called “Millionare Success Habits”, and oddly enough I still have not even finished this book. Because I kept telling myself this book was out of my league. It’s amazing how our self-doubt will always win if we allow it to. It’s so easy to forget our why, because when we stop reminding ourselves daily that we are unstoppable and that we ARE worth every bit of work that it takes to get to where we want to be, we fall back into all our fear based thoughts. I’m sorry that most of this blog post was me rambling, but I needed to get these thoughts out the best way I could. I’m just being transparent about who I really am and what I really go through. I want you to try and identify your “why” and see what comes to mind. Even if you may identity 10 why’s, chose 1 or 2 to focus intently on. I swear this simple task can change the direction of your life.
One of the easiest ways for me to express myself has always been through writing. It used to be more poetry based, but as I left my super teen angsty phase around 16-17, I let the poet in me die off. I’m 26 now and like many other 26 year olds, life hasn’t been quite like I anticipated. As I go deeper into what I truly desire in my life and what actually matters to me, my desire to write keeps resurfacing. Writing down my thoughts makes me feel closer to myself, and that’s what matters to me the most. I also am beginning to realize how badly people need people, even when they think they don’t. How disconnected we are as human beings bothers me. My blog is an attempt to get people feeling a little less alone. Even if that’s just one single solitary person.
#newblog #personalgrowth #mentalhealth #newblogger