Idk why I started a blog about personal development when I’m not personally developing anything…

I have all the resources, I have more than enough to get started, and I don’t change. I just get stuck on what I lack. Knowing how damaging this is, I still do it. I am straight up bad at being consistent. As ironic as it sounds, consistency is the basis of all change. Consistency is what creates change and I hate it. Because I’ve always been obsessed with change. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I get lonely and I give up. I constantly lose sight of why I want all of this. I forget and I feel I have no choice but to just give in to whatever will make me feel something, anything.

And that’s how I get re-stuck in my never ending cycles. I try to “do” something externally (a text, a drink, a whole pizza, a drug, a person) to attain a specific feeling inside of me, but I never receive the feeling I desire. Ever. Nothing can recreate this imaginary feeling or image I hold in my brain. Because you cannot feel true happiness from external sources. This is something I know to be true. It you do find happiness in material things, they will falter and so will you. But because I’m scared and because I do so often lose sight of my reason for all of this, I fail.

I don’t know how I will do this, after all.

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